Right, so before opening this website, this very blog and writing down these words, I was watching a video on confidence. You see, these days, out of nowhere, I get quite anxious around people, lacking confidence. Though I know, if I had a presentation about a certain topic, I would smash it. Heck, throughout university I winged all my presentations and got an A always on presentation skills. I gave of a confident vibe, and compared to the rest of the students, who came from a society that was mostly judgemental and so got very nervous, I guess I was. So I thought, in order to get over this problem, and express what I want to express, Ill vlog. Ill try to document myself just talking, and practice talking since Ive done so little of it lately. But then I realised, I can talk through typing words; through writing. I won’t write for the sake of writing, I’d rather speak in written words.
You see this strange new habit of change, in my very own personal traits started out a little over 6 months ago.
6 months ago, I became a little curious kid at home all day watching documentaries and or thinking about the world we live in. If I wasn’t watching documentaries, I was having conversations with people I’ve never met before, getting to know about their lives or debating about big topics on life like religion, philosophy, good and bad, perception, quantum physics, psychology, etc. Prior to that, I was going through a phase of “depression”. It was my first big heartbreak, I had faced a lot of backstabbing from friends, I had reconnected with my childhood and realised how it effected it, I was very stressed with university and disappointed in many ways. One thing led to another and I found myself on a spiritual path, if so to say. I experienced what it felt like to have the universe actually listen to you and guide you. I would think of a situation and it would happen the next day, I’d think of someone, they’d call, I’d want something, it would come to me, random strangers would reassure me about things on my mind. All so magically, I thought I was being delusional. Till strangers came up to me and told me about things like the law of attraction or the power of thought and strength of the soul, etc. Which were all things, unseen, intangible and scientific, yet unfortunately degraded when described as “spiritual”. I was in constant awe. I was amazed, overwhelmed and beyond grateful. I felt how of little importance we as humans are, yet how our egos try to become everything. Meanwhile, how we are the creators of our reality and can become what we chose, if we know how to do it. Regardless, the awe and astonishment took over and I found myself experiencing somewhat of an ego-death.
Uncontrollably, without realising some of it, I was stripped of everything I was. The bad temper, the anxiousness, the worry, the selfishness, the inability to immediately forgive, the fear of judgement, the distraction and fulfilment through the material, all gone. And just as I had lost my bad habits, I had lost the good too. I became quite. I forgot how to write like I used to, because all I wanted to write about was the beauty and power of the universe, and to explain that alone was difficult, not to mention the overwhelming beauty of it. But here I am, actually properly talking about it for the first time. I wasn’t confident when first getting to know someone sometimes, but I sure as hell was confident about what I knew and experienced. I knew a lot about it, I tried to gain as much knowledge as I could, on various aspects of life, and I knew the difference between an opinion and a fact. I just needed to not be intimidated that I knew too little. Most times, I actually surprised myself by teaching people I thought would teach me, yet I still know nothing.
“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” – William Shakespeare
Back then, when I thought I was a know it all, wise, smart and intelligent, I was confident. Now, I knew I know nothing. There is yet so much to know. Knowledge is an infinite sea.